It was because of a suicide that convinced me to start this blog (if you missed it, you can read the details from Entry#01: Ground Zero), and so I’d like to talk about this topic now that it has a little more personal meaning to me.
I have always been one to try to see the bright side of even the darkest of days, but when I tell people that cancer has been the ultimate challenge to my outlook on life, I mean it sincerely.
Today has been one of those days. One of the darkest yet.
This evening marked the Grand Opening of my brother’s second restaurant and we attended his dinner party to celebrate this milestone with well-wishes, and laughter.
I played my part and kept my spirits up, but inside, it was as if I was in a bubble. My life is frozen, waiting to discover my fate while the world moves on without me.
It’s not like I can “keep on living” as if nothing were wrong, even if I wanted to… my body is too weak, I am practically bedridden, my ability to concentrate is sporadic at best… and it’s getting worse every day.
From here, I will either recover by some miracle and start over with my life, or I will continue to slowly deteriorate until I die.
How long can I expect my poor wife to continue taking care of me, my medical needs, the house, the child, the chores, the dog, the bills, her work… and maintain any sense of sanity? Some nights, by the time she finishes everything, she passes out asleep without us even speaking to one another.
Regardless if it’s true or not, I can’t help but constantly feel that have been a complete failure as a husband and father.
It is when you realize that you have become a burden to the people you love most that this disease becomes the most difficult to bear. It is in this moment that you understand the rationality and chain of thought that broods inside the minds of those who choose to take their own life instead of fighting on.
When we hear of a suicide, we always see people shake their heads and say things like, “Ah, he just didn’t have enough fight in him…”
Now that I’m the one with these thoughts dancing in my head, I can tell you assuredly that this is not the case. It’s not that we’ve suddenly lost our will to fight, but rather, we’ve observed the physical and mental toll that our condition has taken on the people we love… and over time, it breaks us.
No one will admit to the added burden that they have to bear when caring for a loved one… that’s just a part of love… yet, as the actual person who is the cause of this added burden, the emotional pain and guilt we feel is insurmountable.
In the end, I believe the ultimate question is not, “Do I have the will to keep on fighting?” but rather, “Am I too far gone for my life to be worth the pain that I am causing to the people I love?”
This is, indeed, one of the most eye opening revelations in my own journey so far.
Don’t worry, I’m in no danger of doing anything rash. After all, what sort of example would that leave for my daughter?
However, I wanted to share these thoughts today because I’m sure countless people have thought them before me… and countless people have felt this way… yet so few will share these struggles openly.
With this in mind, if you are ever in a position to care for someone with a serious condition, it may be worth keeping in mind that showing frustration or other similar emotions may have a much more detrimental affect than you would think.
My apologies for the gravity of this post. This blog was never intended to be a portrait of happy flowers and sunny skies. It is the journal of a dying man… with all my joys… with all my sorrows… until the time I go.
Now, I just need to refocus my energy to find, again, that glimmer of light.
Please help me in my quest to raise public awareness on how cancer originating from Hepatitis B (the cancer that I have) can be easily prevented. One simple test can save someone their life. Learn more by visiting my Donation Page.